


These Memories Belong To Another Man (I Don't Know Him Anymore)

by tiredperalta



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Related, Jake in prison, Jake is Undercover, Jake is in Florida, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Recovery, Shooting Guns, Violence, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-18 23:43:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14862561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredperalta/pseuds/tiredperalta
Summary: "In one life, he's a bad guy.In another, he's a no-one.In a different life, he's a traitor.In the last, he's a good man."Four different people Jake Peralta has become while undercover, in witness protection, in prison and once he's home.(Each time, he leaves a little bit of himself behind and returns a different man.)





	1. Life One: Jakey-the-Jew

In this life, he’s one of the bad guys.

He’s fired from the NYPD at 32 and joins the Ianucci clan. He spends his nights in dark clubs as his eyes flicker towards doorways, expecting someone to slap handcuffs on him at any moment. When he drinks, he drinks too much and the glasses of lime vodka and top-shelf tequila seem endless.

He owns the title of mafia scum and he wears it proudly. He holsters a gun and tells a sobbing 19-year old that the Iannucci family sent him before shooting him in the head. His name is Jakey-the-Jew or something cruder and he cries when he’s alone.

He shrinks in both height and personality. He hunches down in bars and clubs to avoid detection and pulls his hood up over his head when he walks the unfamiliar streets at night. His laugh is fake and compensates for the lack of light behind his eyes. He only shaves twice a week and the last time he wore a tie was to his initiation party and a woman in too-tall heels tore it off him that night anyway. He wears smart, leather shoes and drags his natural curls into a slick straight mess with hair wax. When he looks in the mirror he doesn’t recognise himself, mainly because he’s hidden his natural paleness and his clothes are alien, but also because he’s run out of contact lenses and he doesn’t dare risk wearing his glasses. He gets used to the hazy vision.

He carries a gun much larger than his usual Glock 17. He's told to use it all the time, without discretion. His aim is off and his reflexes are slow - partially down to fear but predominantly down to lack of sleep. He goes into fights and intimidations with no backup, no protection, and threatens people. Occasionally, he kills.

He doesn’t sleep for a long time. He acts cautiously but he's ordered to shoot people and there's an increasing amount of blood on his hands. He manages to avoid murder for a while, promising he’ll do it when needed and he works better with the person alive. When he says this, Leo tells him not to falter next time, that his hands aren't clean and  _'they ain't been for a long time.'_ Leo orders him to do better.

* * *

 

He knew a woman called Rosa once but he doesn't know her anymore.

Leo continually tells him to get in better shape and watches over him as he trains at the gym. Through his groans, Jakey-the-Jew tells him about this woman he once knew. Tells him how they trained together and did thousands of push-ups but the memories feel foreign like they belong to someone else. Leo says  _'yeah, well what’s her tits like?’_  and Jakey imagines Rosa punching Leo so hard he goes through the next wall. He shrugs.

He knew a man called Boyle once but he doesn’t know him anymore.

Jakey's sitting with a blonde girl in a dingy, dark Italian restaurant and she says  _'they serve the best pizza in Brooklyn'_ and something inside him stirs in a distinct need to correct her. Instead, he laughs too loud and kisses her as he tries to drown out the voice of the man distantly calling him his best friend.

He knew a woman called Gina once but he doesn’t know her anymore.

He's dancing at a club with a girl that reminds him of her - she flails wildly and calls him a twat - and he laughs out loud because if one Gina was intense, two Gina's would cause the end of the world. She flirts with him and tells him they must be soulmates because their star signs match up. She buys him three beers and he almost feels guilty when he doesn’t sleep with her.

He loved a woman called Amy once but he doesn’t love her anymore.

He vaguely remembers dancing with a mermaid and telling her to quit smoking but his morals fly out the window as he takes up smoking as a cover and resorts to doing it when he's stressed. His clothes begin to eternally smell like smoke but it's okay because they're bought with blood money and they're the complete opposite of what he would have worn in a past life. Admittedly, he sometimes thinks about mermaids but he's shit-faced drunk when he does.

He won't let himself fall in love here but Leo sends endless girls to his front door and when they crawl on top of him and whisper a name he doesn’t own into his ear, he thinks of dark hair and pantsuits and a woman he once called Amy.

 _'Jakey-the-Jew'_ dies after 74 days with fifteen arrests under his belt and a plan to quit smoking. He returns a different man.


	2. Life Two: Larry Sherbert

In this life, he’s a no-one.

He was raised in Colorado and moved to Florida at 34. He likes ‘ _Failure to Launch’_ and he spends his nights alone in a house that isn’t his, watching TV shows he doesn’t really like. He greets his neighbour and buys groceries and tries to forget the incessant dull thudding in his head.

He owns the title of _'ATV aficionado'_ and he says it to customers with a fake laugh through gritted teeth. He wears sleeveless shirts that emphasise how pale he is in contrast to the other maniacs living in Florida and he repeats the mantra of _‘thanks for your sale, it was gnarly to help you.’_ His name is Larry Sherbert and he’s always on edge.

He has memories that don't belong to him, likes and dislikes that he keeps a secret. He locks his doors and windows and watches _Die-Hard_ on his TV and recites the Miranda Rights he once knew in another life to calm himself. He dyes his hair blond and shaves every day and he gets used to scraping his knees on every surface as his wardrobe consists of only bright shorts and flip-flops.

He owns two guns. No one raises an eyebrow when he buys two from the local sporting store. He hides one by his bed and one under the sofa because it’s legal here and the repetitive movement of loading and unloading the bullets feels like something he once knew in a past life.

He thinks he’s depressed. He stays in bed for three months and ignores his neighbour as he knocks at his door. He resents the sleeveless t-shirts he has to wear because he scratches at his arms when he panics and when he goes to work they notice. Larry laughs: _‘damn cats, you know’_ and they laugh with him because it’s easier that way.

* * *

 

He knew a woman called Rosa once but he doesn’t know her anymore.

A woman comes into his store to buy an ATV for her brother, says _‘I prefer my motorbike’_ and Larry almost laughs. He agrees and mentions in passing someone he used to know who cared for her bike more than her friends. The woman agrees and leaves Larry her number. That night, he sits in his garden, fills an old metal bin with newspapers and places the number on top. He sits cross-legged, watching the flames grow until there's nothing but ash left. Somewhere, a memory stirs and he thinks of burning photos with Rosa after a breakup. 

He knew a man called Boyle once but he doesn’t know him anymore.

Larry is flicking through channels on his TV and finds one playing ‘ _Footloose’_. He subconsciously watches it, Diane Wiest’s voice singing in his ear until he falls asleep. He thinks of a time when someone told him Diane Wiest was his favourite actress but he can’t remember why.

He knew a woman called Gina once but he doesn’t know her anymore.

He’s watching a Nets game in a pub with the guys he works with when one of them whistles at a girl nearby. She's tall and has long red hair. When she moves she commands attention and her lipstick is neon red. She notices him looking and winks before downing her beer in one gulp. Her confidence and ease remind him of someone he once knew in another life, someone he thinks he affectionately called _‘Goose.’_

He loved a woman called Amy once but he’s not allowed to love her anymore.

He vaguely remembers plans to move in with each other and kissing on a boat. He’s at a bar drowning in sorrows when a woman asks if he’s okay. She guesses _‘girl problems?’_ and he nods. He says his girl’s in New York, studying for an Art Major, that he had to leave and he’s worried she won’t be there when he gets back. He’s drunk and his story is dangerously straying into real life. The next day he has a hangover and impulsively catches a bus to the other side of town, clutching a USB he snuck with him from another life. In an empty Walmart, he prints off the single photo on it. He sticks it to the wall of a storage container he’d rented months ago. Now, when he enters, a picture of Amy from last Christmas smiles at him.

He won't let himself fall in love here but the Marshall writes it into his backstory and insists he finds a girlfriend, a boyfriend, someone. Whenever a woman flirts with him it feels oddly like he’s cheating. At night, he thinks of Chinese takeaways and schedules and pulling a bright blue bra off a woman he once called his girlfriend.

 _'Larry Sherbert'_ dies after 187 days after being threatened by Figgis and shot in the leg. He returns a different man.


	3. Life Three: Prisoner 3461

In this life, he’s a prisoner.

He spends his nights in a cell and spends his days in Protective Custody. He walks fearfully through the lunch hall and showers rarely for fear of being caught alone. He lives off food that is definitely not kosher, memories and two photos stuck to his wall. His company consists of a guard who walks past and spits at his cell every day and a cannibal turned woodworker. 

He owns the title of traitor and he still swears he’s innocent. His only protection is eight metal bars and a different coloured jumpsuit and he loses those eventually. The numbers 3-4-6-1 replace the four letters of his name and he’s alone.

Prisoner 3461 drastically changes as the bright ambition to solve his own case dims into a defeated stint of what he is sure is madness. He eventually gets used to the beard and the long curls he has to push out of his eyes. He didn’t think it was possible for an Ashkenazi Jew to get any paler but somehow he does and the bags under his eyes become more pronounced than he’s seen them in years.

He thinks he’s forgotten how to hold a gun, how to file a police report, how to do _anything_ from his past lives. He gets punched before he even realises he’s in danger and he feels his instincts slipping away. He tries to imagine the other prisoners are perps - _they were at one point or another -_ when they punch him and with the distinct lack of a secondary or back up, prisoner 3461 ends up in the infirmary twice.

He gets panic attacks. Late in the night when he’s alone and Caleb’s asleep, when his breathing speeds up and he feels the already small room get smaller. He clenches his fists and buries his nails into his palms because for a minute he forgets how to feel alive when all he can think of is the fifteen-year countdown ticking in his head.

* * *

 

He knew a woman called Rosa once but he doesn't know her anymore.

She’s his mirror image in a prison cell down the road but bolder and stronger and less defined by emotions. Prisoner 3461 thinks of her in solitary confinement getting the most peace she’s had in years and plotting revenge on Hawkins and he promises to a God he’s not sure he still believes in that that if they get out soon he’ll be a better friend. He’ll even take her to that old cinema with the Nancy Meyers films. 

He knew a man called Charles once but he doesn’t know him anymore.

Well, he sees him occasionally but he’s a shadow of who he once knew with white hair and a too quiet laugh. When prisoner 3461 is in his cell, he tells Caleb about Charles. About his son and his girlfriend and how they watch baseball together and while one of them cooks, the other does art as they listen to their son tell them stories. When he runs out of stories from the time he knew them, Prisoner 3641 lists off every one of his damn cousins that he can remember. Caleb says something about eating _his_ cousin but Prisoner 3461 doesn’t mind because he’s thinking about how he’ll ask Charles to be his best man.

He knew a woman called Gina once but he doesn’t know her anymore.

She visits when she can but she’s pregnant and Prisoner 3461 doesn’t know this version of her. She's restless and looks down at her hands rested on her lap. She laughs and blames her discomfort on the absence of a phone in her hand. She talks about having a kid he might never get to see and he makes her promise she will teach her child how to dance. He thinks about his own kids he might never get to have with curly hair and button noses who climb trees and write perfect book reports.

He loved a woman called Amy once but he won’t love her anymore.

He won't let himself love her because fifteen years is a long time and eventually she’ll need to move on – with Teddy maybe, or Dave. When he lies awake in the dead of night, he recites the madness that is her panic scale of hair-braiding and not eating and singing old songs and he hopes someone is looking after the woman he once called his love. He makes a silent promise to the photo on his cell wall that if he makes it out before Halloween he'll propose to her. Any longer, and he'll stop. (Stop loving her? Stop hoping? Living? Waiting? He doesn't know.)

Prisoner 3461 dies after 59 days with a fear of small spaces and new scars along his back. He returns a different man.


	4. Life Four: Jake Peralta-Santiago

In this life, he’s a cop.

He spends his nights surrounded by friends in bright bars or working on cases. He eats takeaways every Thursday and drinks two cups of coffee every day. He spends his time solving cases, thinking about having kids and watching jeopardy in bed with his wife. 

He owns the title of detective and he wears it proudly. He pins medals to shirts and tells perps that the NYPD sent him before cuffing them and reciting the Miranda Rights. His name is ' _Jake Peralta-Santiago_ ' and occasionally _'Pineapples’_ and he smiles.

He stands taller, stretches his back. He begins to take slightly more care over his appearance. He shaves four times a week and wears a tie to work. He matches his sneakers to his hoodie, shines the ring on his left hand and twists the NYPD badge hanging around his neck. He faces his wife every morning and kisses her as she straightens his tie. He wears his best suits out to dinner and tidies his desk. He starts taking control over his finances. 

He carries a gun. He's told to use it only when he needs. It takes more time than he thought it would but he becomes increasingly comfortable with it, increasingly good at it. His aim is perfect and his reflexes are fast and he wears a Kevlar vest as protection. Sergeant Santiago checks the armoury sign-out sheets and notices a Kevlar vest loaned to detective Peralta for the sixth time that week - for use in six cases in which it isn't standard procedure. She takes a break and pulls him into a supply closet. He's not sure if she's going to kiss him or tell him off and when she unbuttons his shirts and rests her hand on his chest and feels the cold, serrated edge of the vest he thinks it'll be the latter. She shakes her head and reminds him he's safe. 

He still gets panicky. He wakes from nightmares and refuses to go back to sleep. He acts recklessly and messes up. When he does, he talks to a stern man in the Captain hat or eats Chinese food with the woman who became his wife. They tell him it's okay and that he's learning. That he's trying to do better.

The nightmares affect him. He wakes at two am on his first night home from prison in a panic-fuelled haze and remembers the feeling of his too-long hair on the thin prison pillow and stumbles into his bathroom. He haphazardly chops away at his hair with kitchen scissors and it's too short in places but his wife will kiss him on the forehead when she wakes and holds his hand all the way to work.

He closes his eyes and sees himself back in the mafia, years prior, pulling the trigger and ending the life of a kid who was in way over his head. Sometimes, he'll dream and when he looks, the gun is trained on him – just another kid in way over his head- and he'll end his own life.

He applies to return to work after prison and is approved. He's offered a gun on his return from work but he shakes his head, asks privately to stay at his desk for a while. His wife will throw him a packet of candy from the vending machine and sit by his side when he takes his mandatory breaks from the Captain. More often than not, in these breaks, he sleeps on the breakroom sofa as she cards her fingers through his hair and reads next to him.

He takes more departmentally mandated physio tests under the order of their Captain. The physiotherapist says the likeliness of him being able to continue doing field work as he gets older will decrease due to the broken ribs sustained over the years and the time he was shot in the leg in Florida. He nods but later he'll spend too much money on a membership to a gym.

Sometimes, he forgets how to breathe and wakes his wife at three in the morning. Or he'll clench his fists and stay late working, desperate to atone, to solve crimes to counteract what he did. Holt will come to work early and find him still shaking at his desk. He'll lead him into his office and listen to him beg him to explain why - if he's such a good man as his medals tell him he is - why did he kill four people undercover and ask how many innocent people he has sent to jail.

He's recovering - and not quite recovering at all - but he's  _trying._

* * *

 

In this life, he gets to see Rosa every day.

He sees a tangle of curls and a stone-faced glare around the precinct or over a table at a bar. He races her to down shots and loses miserably every time. He drops a strawberry doughnut onto her desk before she goes on stakeouts because he knows those are secretly her favourite. Rosa is sceptical and quiet but she’s bold and clever and when he walks to work, he hears the whirr of a motorbike behind him and Jake smiles.

In this life, he gets to see Charles every day.

He sees a short man with an armful of ingredients in his kitchen cooking for his family and for Jake and Amy too. He salutes Nikolaj at the door and plays cop games with him when he babysits. Charles makes him food from old Jewish recipes he remembers his grandmother making when he’s busy working stressful cases and forgets to eat. Charles is eager and kind and listens to the Annie soundtrack on the way to crime scenes. It makes Jake laugh.

In this life, he gets to see Gina every day.

He sees a girl he grew up with who has glitter in her hair and a spring in her step. She texts him endless streams of texts across the room constantly and throws paper aeroplanes at him from her desk. She calls him an idiot and he grins and kisses her on the forehead. She’s already writing a list of baby names for Jake and insists that Iggy needs a friend soon, if not immediately. Gina and Milton have them over for dinner and Jake gets to promise Iggy he will be the best uncle in the whole world.

In this life, he's in love with Amy, he marries her.

He occasionally feels the cool breeze of a stressful night on his face as he follows her to where she smokes on their precinct roof. He wraps an arm around her shoulder and kisses her lightly on the cheek. He sees her dancing in a white mermaid dress with her dark hair cascading over her shoulders and promising to love him forever. She laughs at his jokes and he calls both their mothers on the weekends, updating them on plans and promising they're eating healthy. He makes an effort to leave breakfast on her desk downstairs and scribbles messages onto post-it-notes stuck to her computer to make her smile. Sometimes she wears pantsuits and sometimes she wears her sergeants uniform and sometimes nothing at all and he loves her always.

In this life, he’s Detective Jacob Peralta-Santiago and he never has to leave any of them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading, leave me a comment below with feedback or questions!


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